Last week I shared a few stories with you. They were tragic and they were also an offering of love. Anything that reminds us to show up with more attention is. Today’s post was written last Thursday, after returning from Tony’s funeral (click here to see last week’s post). And I am feeling inspired to talk about everything I am feeling. So let’s talk about making sense of life, death, and maybe God. (Promise that it will be inspiring!)
Let me begin by saying that I am not a believer of any one thing, and yet I am a believer in everything in the sense that I know that something is out there. I just don’t know what and it really doesn’t seem so important for me to define it. (Or this is at least what I tell myself until I find myself defining.)
Mostly, it is about that sensation of being in the presence of something mysterious and big and great. Greater.
In The Presence Of Greatness
And this is exactly what I felt as I stood outside of the church today and as I listened attentively to all of the words spoken. Through external speakers I heard sounds of Greatness.
The place was packed. I mean sold out and no standing room left.
I never met Tony (this is not his real name), but I have heard alot about him through the years. About his polarities. So strong. So weak.
On rare occasions, I have met his type before. Big, beautiful souls with rough and tough hardcovers.
Polarities of a 30-year old man boy who used drugs to push away what he wasn’t able to embrace about himself or life.
Who numbed all of himself until there was no longer any parts of him to numb.
Until last Sunday. He died.
I don’t need to hear the results of the autopsy to know that Tony died of an exaggerated heart. A heart that he never learned how to care for.
A heart, with the sensitivity of an open wound – both his greatest companion and his greatest adversary.
They tormented one another.
Can someone be too much of a good thing?
I think of Patch Adams, accused of excessive happiness.
In Tony’s case, a heart that was too huge for this world.
Mostly I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday.
There’s too much of it.
It’s like pieces of glass in my head all the time.
John Coffey, the green mile
A Warrior
As they spoke about Tony, my thoughts about him being a total rockstar were confirmed.
No. Tony was more than this.
He was a warrior, the most gentle kind.
They spoke about his simplicity and kindness. And his smile.
They spoke about his physical strength.
Tony was a martial arts champion. Yet, he was a lover, not a fighter. And the only living being it seems he was capable of harming was himself.
Tony was a human being that has been slowly killing himself since a young child. Beating down and consuming his heart until the will to continue was gone.
Completely gone. Thoroughly beaten and consumed.
I think on some level, whoever has a sensitive heart can relate to this; often we have no worse enemy than the enemy we hold within.
And then, the priest spoke about making sense of life and death. I listened and I nodded. Sensations of understanding and being understood filled me.
Take The Boy Home
He spoke about how we all change throughout a lifetime and beyond. About our responsibility to accompany Tony to his next home.
Not gone, just different.
A change that can’t feel natural. He was too young to go.
And anyway, at any age, we have the tendency to ask why.
To ask the questions: Why now? Why him? Why me? And why, God, why?
And even for those who deeply believe in God, there may be moments of deeper questioning here.
God Is Everything And Not Only When Things Go Our Way
I need to tell you something. I have never written about God before and I do not even know if I should be.
But once again, it feels like a calling.
A calling of love.
This is me making sense of life and death and also God. Or at least trying to.
So here I go…
He Owes Me, Or Does He Not?
I may not believe in God the way you do. But in any case, I have found myself feeling on more than one occasion that he owes me something anyways.
I have thought: How dare he?
Yes, these exact words have come to my not so sure about God mind.
I have expected even in those moments when I doubted.
In my life, I have been protected by some greater source (let’s call it God) more than not, and this had become something that I relied on.
As if it would always be. Even though I knew that it couldn’t possibly be.
This is what we do, isn’t it?
A step further: I have demanded this protection for humanity.
God should be good. God should do right. And God should watch over each and every one of us.
A good God protects the good. Always.
Making Sense Of Life and Death: Questioning God
Our faith in something greater than life itself cannot be based on how good or bad our luck is going in a moment of time.
Faith does not work this way.
Maybe you like me, have had similar thoughts. The idea that a God that loves us could never provoke such pain in life.
However, God in any form you believe God to be, is LIFE.
And LIFE, Honey, includes everything. Including sad, wrong, and unanswerable. The joy, the pain. Love, fear. Giving, receiving, and taking. Meeting and leaving. Maybe meeting again.
We know this even when we pretend it doesn’t have to be so.
Even when we believe that ‘EVERYTHING’ is less beautiful than ‘all good’, ‘all just’, and ‘never having to ask the questions’ could be.
We know this, but we don’t want to hear it when bad stuff knocks on our door.
Or when the pain shipped to someone else’s house arrives vicariously to ours as well.
He continued speaking and I continued to listen – looking for answers, faith, and growth.
And I thought to myself: It will never be ok that children suffer or die.
It will never be ok when we lose someone we love.
It will never ok not to have answers to the question why.
And yet….
we must embrace the truth that when things are sad and wrong and unanswerable, we have no other choice than to continue asking the questions.
And figure out a way to be somehow ok with a response that will never satisfy our broken heart.
Guilt And Accusations In The Name Of God
He spoke about our responsibility to live on in Tony’s honor. Without guilt or blame.
Tony was a perfect symbol of human imperfection.
Most of all, he was a symbol of humanity and our need to support one another even when our best is not enough.
He spoke directly to Tony’s parents.
You have no guilt to hold. Let it go. You loved him. He felt that. He feels that right now and there is no blame. You did your best. This is enough even when it isn’t.
I envisioned the heart of his mama hiding behind her dark, oversized sunglasses as I listened to this message.
All true, and yet…
the words are so weak even when coming from a direct representative of God.
Her heart – the heart of every mamma – surely squealing something like: Why didn’t I do better?
Or if her need is to evict the guilt: God, why didn’t you give me the strength to do better? How dare you!!!!!!
Burying a child is so unnatural. God, I can’t even immagine.
Making Sense Of Life: Redefining God
In the end, suffering is a part of life.
And us sometimes feeling alone with the sad and wrong and unanswerable is our human condition.
However, when we are pinned in the corner with our suffering, it is easy to feel entitled.
Even when we are playing this card with God.
So today I am developing other types of thoughts:
- What if it is our definition of God that is wrong?
- What if we were to lower our standard and by doing this, see greatness in something more tangible – something us humans can actually create – something bigger than an almighty God looking from above and often disappointing us?
- What if we began from a more humble space when making sense of life and death?
- What if we retook control of our responsibility like the priest suggested?
- What if we began to see the existence of God in the love and compassion offered by others, ordinary people like you and me?
Aren’t the miracles happening right here on Earth whenever someone says, I am here and here I will be for as long as you need me?
When someone sits with in silence.
When someone bakes a pie to ease another’s lonely heart.
When we feel one another’s pain as if it were our own because we know that it is.
- What if we REDEFINED what God means for us and along with it, our faith in his existence?
When we redefine God, our human condition changes.
We are no longer waiting around to see acts of God because we are cultivating them.
Kind words. Acts of generosity. Prayers. Feeling another’s pain. Human love.
Aren’t all of these things enough proof of God?
So next time we find ourselves doubting God, what if we were to place our trust in humanity instead?
What if we began with personally doing better?
With believing in the existence of God, not in the good things that come our way, but in all the ways compassion is being offered to us when it seems as if God just doesn’t give a damn?
Final Note: Making Sense Of Life Means Celebrating In Love
And I listened, as the priest told us that every person present was an extension of the love Tony offered to the world.
And he spoke more about our responsibility.
Our responsibility to spread love and joy. This is a celebration of a life that touched all of our lives.
‘Can we do the same?’ the priest asked. ‘For him, with him.
Can we touch lives? Can we celebrate his life in this way?…
Next time someone isn’t so nice. Maybe they are angry or sad or scared. Can we think of Tony and how he loved and how he suffered and remember that this is simply a call for love and we are meant to answer… answer with love and joy?
This.
Yes this. Everything I believe and strive for…
the theme of last week’s post written days before I listened.
Before I felt the greatness.
Before I walked with others to accompany Tony to his new home.
Definitely before I felt God.
When Being Human Feels Godlike
I share this with you today as a reminder:
Human life comes with great joy and pain.
But most of all, it comes with tremendous responsibility.
We can choose to ignore it. However, when we fulfill our service, the payback is godlike.
I share this with you because I want to share with you.
Take from all this what serves you today.
And whatever you are going through or feeling, offer it love. And celebrate.
Again, I am not a believer in anything. I doubt everything. Everything except the power of our greatness when we answer the calls and cover them with love.
God is you and me. God is Tony and his mamma and everyone who was inside and outside of the church today.
And everywhere there is love – an act or a calling – there is the greatness of God….
This…this is God in every immaginable form.
At least this is what I believe.
Please share your thoughts, questions, pieces of your life, whatever, with me. I love hearing from you.
