Fear comes in many shapes and sizes. Today I want to speak about the kind that often creeps up on us in the middle of the night, the middle of our lives, and for some, dependably at the end of every, ordinary Sunday. This fear is loaded with unrealistic expectations and stories. It is driven by the idea that there is a right and wrong way to do life – the idea that we are not doing our life right. This is a classic Danni style post with lots of conversation about learning to embrace our vulnerability, our fear, and our life with love and self-compassion.

Here we go…

Somedays I feel as if I just can’t grasp it. I need to grasp it. If only I could grasp it. I am talking about the moment, the day, the years, and my life. In the end, I am reminded that there is never anything to grasp. Just everything to love and embrace.

The Sunday Scaries

Back to the 80’s

I remember when I had the Sunday scaries every Sunday. It started when I was about 11 or 12.

They would arrive in the afternoon and last until I was finally able to shut my eyes at night. Monday morning they were gone. It was get up and going to school as usual.

This feeling didn’t have a special name back then. It was just called anxiety.

The feeling was real, but the source was not surprisingly a big question mark to me. All I knew was that I felt held down by an unspoken sense of responsibility.

The thought of growing up was scary. Although I wasn’t able to verbalize it, the sensation was being thrushed ahead – immerged in all these undefined expectations without the least bit of control. A little like when my brother would hold my arms up over my head for too long and tickle me, except without the laughter.

I remember having this recurrent dream on Sundays. I was in a manufacturing plant, in the production line waiting to be thrown into a huge, noisy machine.

The black opening would creak open and shut, and seemed like the mouth of a monster with blades as teeth. I didn’t understand the meaning of this either.

Was I already understanding, as a pre-teen, how life would often feel as an adult?

2023 – The Scaries & Teen Girls

I see these feelings rising up in my teen girls.

The world is so impossible to understand. Our role in it even more. Divided. Disturbed. Deformed. Dangerous.

It feels dangerous all the way out there. And fragile. A fragility that fuels fear in all of us.

The duality of how messed up and how glorious it is, is truly mind blowing. Messed up and yes, glorious. I see it in the sunflowers outside my window. I hear it in the birds chirping, and my daughters’ laughter filtering in from another room. I feel it in every beautiful word shared, compassion offered, hug received.

Sometimes I see The Scaries in my 18 year old daughter, Kenia. They don’t arrive on Sundays. Maybe it is because she doesn’t go to school. But it appears in her determination to figure it all out. These huge expectations for herself and her life. It turns fragile with the unstable turning of the world that she experiences around her.

Figure it all out is an abstract concept. As if it is actually possible at any age. Let alone 18! We need to smile at ourselves when we acknowledge this thought coming to mind. Say, Oh, look at me making a funny again!

So determined to have independent thoughts and dreams, and at the same time so much still a little girl.

We have spoken about her fear. About this duality of how life works. I am thankful for this. We can give her fear a name. It is called becoming an adult in a complex, beautiful world.

We can acknowledge it. And though it may not go away, she can feel reassured that she is not alone, that her feelings belong, and that it will be ok. Life is beautiful and life is scary. When you think about it, it is all in place.

Embracing My Scaries

This feeling of fear and anxiety hits me once in a while even now. I get scared. I am 53.

Usually it strolls on in unassumingly on a Sunday evening gradually coming to the surface of consciousness. Those old sensations of me in line waiting to be gobbled up emerge.

Could it be that even our anxiety has a memory?

It lingers into Monday morning. Supported by a consistent practice of mindfulness, I am able to manage it. Like I tell my daughters, I remember that this belongs.

Journal Entry, June 26, 2023

It is an ordinary Monday morning. I am still lying in bed at 9:30am. I am already late for the day. Late exactly for what I don’t know. I don’t have a 9 to 5. All I know is this nauseating feeling of being late for something. Life I suppose.

15 year old, Bianca Jade’s words come to me as I continue to lay with my beginning of the week scaries:

The summer is already halfway done.

Time passes so darn quickly no matter how many times I repeat. Be here now. Slow down. Notice.

Time. Yes, this definitely feels overwhelming in moments like these.

This scares me.

No time to fulfill all those expectations. Effectively grasp what matters to me most.

It is scaring me now as I look back on the year so far, the past years, the past decades. My daughters were just 3 and 5, 7 and 10. They are now 15 and 18. I freed my moments to spend so much time with them and it could never be enough.

My husband and I will be celebrating our 28th anniversary soon. More years than I had when we met on that Caribbean island. So many joys and pains together. Shared and yet never shared fully enough.

Aging parents. So many phones calls and long visits to compensate for too much distance. Loved so much, but never loved enough.

Lists of unfulfilled projects. A book. Another book. A big move. A life project still to project. Leaps of courage to make. Figuring it all out. And with this…

an even longer list of all the things that I would have done differently – that I would have done – flashes upon my heart. Vivid and yet unclear.

This is what doubt is. Am I doing enough? Am I giving enough?

Then the bigger question that pops up as it does from time to time.

Is it possible that I am doing life all wrong? And is there a right and wrong way?

I know the true answer. I finally know it by heart.

Don’t worry, I repeat to myself, as I get up and make the bed, brush my teeth, stretch one leg and then the other into my yoga pants, roll out my mat – and I breathe –

you are just having some Monday scaries.

A case of ‘the Summer is passing by too quickly‘ scaries.

You are here sweetie. This is your life. It is all ok. Life scaries need not be controlled.

So go flow.

Doing Life Right With The Sprint of Time – Vulnerability & Fear

I say that I am scared of mice because they move so quickly. It is the same thing that frightens me about life. I tell myself that it is irrational. Neither mice, nor life are anything to fear. They aren’t here to hurt me. They are just another form of complete ALIVENESS.

We must open ourselves up to honesty in order to separate real fear from all those decades of conditioning. Open ourselves up to vulnerability. Strip ourselves of impossible expectations. When we do this, we discover our aliveness and the golden truth that lies deep inside. From the post, How To Understand When You Must Redefine Your Life

When I get honest and listen, I acknowledge that this is what scares me. The honesty of what being fully human really means.

This, and not having the courage to get completely off the production line.

How can we embrace life when we are taught to stay on and within the lines? Composed. Safe. Racing after the fulfillment of unfulfillable expectations.

Being fully alive is impossible under these conditions. So we resist. We run faster, trying to avoid being gobbled up.

And this speeds up time even more. And we get more and more scared because it will never, ever be enough.

We believe that the speed is coming from something external. However, the speed is us and our resistance to the truth –

We have been taught a bunch of lies about living life.

We just need to get off the running wheel. Slow down. Notice more intensely. Listen more carefully. Strip ourselves of the expectations.

See the beauty. Of a mouse. Of our life. Even of the speed sometimes.

Yes! You Can Be Vulnerable and Still Do Life Right

When my daughters were younger, a friend of mine said to me:

I feel like such a bad mom. I have been so exhausted and nervous these past months. Look at you and your life. How are you able to hold it all together? You are so perfect. You are always so smiley and kind.

I really laughed at this. Looked around as if she weren’t speaking directly at me. And then I told her the following:

Want to know the truth about me and my life? With the goal of living life fully, we have made so many difficult choices through the years, and you know what, through it all…

I am scared and I experience doubt, frustration and anger. I lose it with my husband, my daughters, and sometimes over the phone with my mom. Once in a while a curse word slips out. I create unnecessary tension and I self-sabotage.

I feel sad at times and extremely vulnerable. Confused and overwhelmed. I have made really bad decisions. I have fallen victim to the the expectations and the stories that I am not enough – worthless – and that I am not doing life right.

And at the same time, I have learned to ALWAYS forgive myself and make The RETURN. This is my secret.

ATTENTION. HERE IS THE HUGEST REMINDER OF THIS POST:

You can BE VULNERABLE, HORRIBLE, CRAZY – COMPLETELY LOST – over and over again. and you are still doing life right.

Trust that there is no right or wrong way to do life. There is simply you continuously learning to be vulnerable enough to live your life as fully as you can.

So feel scared, lose your temper, take it out on the waitress or your child’s math teacher, act out of alignment with your values as a parent, partner, child, sibling, friend, collegue and human being, get lost in your sadness, vulnerability, doubt and self-loathing, make the worst decisions possible, and then lead yourself back to THE RETURN.

Stop, go within, observe, get honest, say sorry when necessary, forgive yourself and begin again.

Begin again and again and again.

The more you practice this, the easier it gets. You fall less. The bounce back gets shorter.

SELF-INQUIRY DAILY EXERCISE:

At the end of the day ask yourself: Where today did I truly live up to my practice? Where was I able to be kind, patient, compassionate, loving and forgiving? Celebrate this. Then ask yourself: Where could I have done a little bit better? No judgment here. Just the creation of an inner dialogue driven by your intention to grow.

Based on the Wisdom Talk – Growth Mindset, Lauren Eckstrom – Co-founder IDTV

Regret Is Not In Your Personal Dictionary

So you made a mistake, you messed up? Did you fall once again into thinking you could actually be perfect?

Your life is not what you had imagined – your career, financial status, relationship, family – completely opposite from your younger-self dreams.

Ya can’t go back, so go better!

Just S-T-O-P: Stop (slow down). Take a breath. Observe. Proceed.

Regret is complete garbage. It leads to stress, tension and anxiety. Illness. TONS OF FEAR.

As I wrote in the post, 7 MINDSET MAKEOVERS – How to Switch Self-Sabotaging to Best Self:

THERE ARE ONLY TWO OPTIONS WHEN YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMETHING NOT GOING AS YOU HOPED IT WOULD:

1. You remain in or habitually revisit self-loathing, blame, pity and abuse (a victim, sometimes for a lifetime), and soffocate yourself in regret, or

2. You acknowledge it, get curious about it’s origin, learn from it, forgive yourself, grow stronger, and move on.

A while back, I decided that this word would no longer exist for me. Does it mean that I wouldn’t do things differently?

Absolutely no. There are tons of decisions, words and actions I would do differently.

So many mistakes. So much self-sabotage. Limiting beliefs. Irrational fear!

Maybe you too.

And it is all part of our complete life.

Who we are. Not all good. Not all bad. But extremely real.

This is our life. Right now. Not in the past. Not in the future.

NOW.

And right now we can decide to get rid of the REGRET. Life becomes so much lighter without it. The mind becomes clearer. The body more relaxed.

Vulnerability becomes ok.

You feel the air coming in and see doors opening knowing whichever one you choose to walk through, it is going to be ok.

REMINDER: You can never go back, but you can remain stuck in the past forever. There is no future better you in this space.

The Goal of Our Practice

We will never be perfect. Our life will never be perfect. This is not the goal of our practice. And yes, your practice is working even when you aren’t perfect.

Perfection is not The Way to the highest version of ourselves.

The goal of our practice is to embrace our aliveness. To get comfortable with exposing our vulnerability and being fully in our imperfections and all the imperfect experiences of life.

When we embrace these imperfections, they cease to be imperfect. They become an essential part of our full life. Our complete life. Our wholeness.

When we embrace what is, we no longer resist. Life flows even when it doesn’t.

We understand that every time life challenges us it is an opportunity to put our practice into action – honesty, patience, inner strength, acceptance, love, compassion.

Our vulnerability belongs. It makes us more beautiful. It makes us more compassionate. It makes us more relatable. It makes us fully human and alive.

There is nothing wrong about any of this.

There is less fear. We doubt less.

Every part of our life feels like it owns a place in our life. And this feels like us doing life incredibly right.

You Are Doing Life Right – Just Remember This

Embrace Imperfection

Our weakest moments guide us towards our greatest strengths. Moments of vulnerability, doubt, anger, confusion, frustration and sadness. Even moments when we question everything about ourselves and our lives and when we question the value of our living practice as well as our life.

When you ask: Am I doing it all wrong?

THESE MOMENTS BELONG.

BUT BEWARE: Without the embrace, we are unable to arrive at THE RETURN. The resistance of our imperfect self is the problem.

With resistance, these moments lead to our greatest fears – seeing ourself and being seen as weak and imperfect – instead of our most valuable feats.

At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”

Michael law

Practice Self-Compassion and Self-Love

May we remember the duality of the world beginning with ourselves. Just as the world is both messy and glorious, so are we.

Feeling that you are doing your life right is really about loving yourself right.

Compassion, love, acceptance, seeing our own abundance, this pours out into our lives and into the world. Remember to meet yourself with self-compassion and love every day.

In a world that gives importance to titles, labels and appearances, there is ALWAYS a choice for each one of us to look beyond. It starts with us.

We are so hard on ourselves. Much harder than we are on anybody else. We pretend that we can actually be perfect. There is no compassion in this belief.

From the post, How To Stop Waking Up tired – 7 Ways To Energize Your Morning routine

Trust The Process

Trusting the process means trusting that everything happens for you, not to you. Including the entirety of your life. This trust requires a lifetime of practice.

It is not easy to accept the messy parts of ourselves. Our mess ups. Parts of our life where we strayed so far from our beliefs and values that we can hardly recognize ourselves.

This is when we slow down. We look closer. We listen deeply. And we practice more trust.

Trust embraces our vulnerabilities and trumps fear. We can finally turn towards the uneasiness and celebrate the opporutnities being unveiled.

“Things that don’t turn out the way you want are disguised to be the best turning points of your life.”

Hiral Nagda

6 Things I Remind Myself During Moments of Vulnerability & Fear

1. The Scaries belong and they do not stay forever. Just breathe and notice.
2. Slow down. Life isn’t scary, but the need to control it makes it so.
3. I can learn the most about myself when I am the most lost. This is called growth and this alone is so comforting.
4. Things do not have to be easy for everything to be ok.
5. I must not deny any parts of myself or my life. I need only give them love.
6. I am never expected to do anything but my best. This has no specific definition. No expectations.
7. Perfection is not the highest version of myself.
8. There are never too many times to begin again.
9. I am completely alive. I am fully human. I am always doing my life right.

Confessions of a Fully Alive Human Being

Journal Entry, March 12, 2023

I get scared. My daily practice of presence, self-compassion, love and acceptance helps, but the fear still shows up, along with the doubt.

Fearlessness is something that I no longer aspire to.

Instead I focus on moving forward despite the trembling inside.

I aim for The Return.

So I am scared sometimes. I get scared of losing the people I love, of not knowing my role as my girls grow and so do I.

I fear the world and all of it’s problems. How this too will effect my daughters’ future, and all of us that still put being fully human first.

Of not being able to grasp it.

That I am in fact, doing it all wrong.

I get scared of this cringy sense of disconnection that I see in the cracks of my days. As an observer of interactions of strangers in public places and in my own intimate spaces.

I see the fear on faces, hand movements and postures – in things ignored, shoved under, in words used and blown up reactions to simple mistakes, physical and emotional barriers.

The fear speaks to my heart. I can’t decifer the words. Metallic like those of a conducter on the subway.

Do you ever hear it? That blare of universal fear?

In all these moments of weakness, I know that I just have to remember one thing:

To return within. Soften and embrace.

Note to self: Fear is nothing to fear.

Ode To Vulnerabilty, Fear & Doing Our Life Right

Fear is an essential part of your life. Vulnerability belongs. Questioning, doubting: Essential. Healthy.

There is nothing missing in you or your life.

Whatever made you believe this was a liar.

Distrust everything that your heart does not know by heart.

When fear and vulnerability appear, will you be there as your fully human self to meet them with compassion and love?

Bring your full attention to this darling.

Because when it does inevitably appear, it will be most unexpected.

You will not be reading inspirational words or surrounded by kindness, love and peace.

You will be in the thick of another type of moment in life when things are less clear. Mid-day, after midnight, mid-life. On an ordinary Sunday evening.

And you will be given this choice: resist or embrace. More fear or more courage.

What will you choose?

Know that your answer will make all the difference.

Know also that you already have what you need to arrive at THE RETURN.

All you must do is remember. Welcome your vulnerabilty, show compassion and begin again.

When we look back, may we remember all of our moments as valuable and whole.

May they all serve us to awaken to grace and fullness. Everything.

May we embrace ourselves and our lives, no longer fearing the vulnerability and doubt.

May we always find our way back home to the only truth:

Not only are we not doing our life wrong, but we are doing all of it amazingly right.

HERE ARE SOME RESOURCES FOR YOU:

• Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead and Rising Strong – How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown
• 7 MINDSET MAKEOVERS – How to Switch Self-Sabotaging to Best Self
• USING CONFUSION AS THE BEST KICK-IN-THE-BUTT FOR PERSONAL GROWTH
• RETURN HOME TO HARMONY & EASE GUIDED MEDITATION

My heart reaching out to yours,

Today’s post is the type of post that I personally LOVE the most. Because in the end, I am truly ALL about the sharing. I believe that our shared experiences are the best resources for learning, growing, and creating the connection we need as fully human beings. DID YOU ENJOY THIS POST? DO YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS OR EXPERIENCES REGARDING VULNERABILITY AND FEAR TO SHARE? Please let me know in the comments below or write to me by CLICKING HERE.

Disclosure

This post contains affiliate marketing. This means that when you purchase a product through the link provided, I will receive a small commission with no extra cost to you. This is a small way that you can thank me for my writing. I really appreciate your support. If you want to purchase the books Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead and Rising Strong – How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown CLICK ON TITLE.