How to become a happier human being – 4 truths about arriving at the happy life

Why is it so impossible to just be happy and live a happy life? Have you ever caught yourself saying this or something similar? I laugh at the just. It implies that protecting this happy state is so easy. Aaah, the quest for HAPPINESS. The great, universal pursuit. We all just want to be happy. 😊🤨 As if we actually had this coming to us just by being born as human beings. (there goes that just again!) Through the years my idea of happiness has changed. I have kind of eliminated it from my outer voice. It has so much pressure attached to it. And yet, when I am alone with myself reflecting on how to become the human being that I am meant to be and create the life I am meant to live – the word sneaks itself into the conversation because in the end, all I really want is to (just) be happy.

What is happiness?

What does it meant to be happy? Can we define happiness? Is it possible for happiness to last? Can someone or something steal it from us? I have thought about all these questions long and hard throughout the years; probably everytime I found myself complaining about how unhappy I was feeling.

PHASE ONE – Happy hearts, Authentic smiles

From the time we are fed the fairytales, we are led to believe that happiness just arrives. We live it as a natural right as little human beings. The prince. The princess. The white horse. The wicked witch is killed. The ugly stepsisters left to poverty with the nasty stepmother. The bad guy is captured. The treasure is found. The happy ending. Happy things happen to good people. Even if our beginning involves hardship, happiness is a state of being that we will eventually experience just because we deserve it.

As young children, our hearts feel happy and our smiles are authentic. However, as we grow up this beautiful innocence fades, and most of us understand that this is an untruth.

Happiness is not a state we can rely on just because we are kind, lucky, talented, or successful. Unhappiness happens to good people all the time and good fortune or wealth does not a happy person necessarily make.

Phase Two – running for our happy life

But we still want the happiness – we want the happy life. So we do as best as possible to cross all the T’s and dot all the i’s. This is when happiness becomes a quest, a pursuit. We will do anything to achieve this place of happy.

So we follow the rules established for us. Grow up. Act responsible. Get the job. Find the spouse/soulmate. The house. The car. Have the kids. In the end happiness, right?

Wrong. Another untruth.

Happiness usually doesn’t look at all like what we are conditioned to believe.

And in the end, it is often our expectations about it, and the desire to make this fleeting emotion last that causes us to prematurely steal our blissful feelings from ourselves.

Moreover, the quest blinds most people from seeing what a happy life truly means for them.

So we got the suit, the ring, the wedding photos, the mortgage and the perfect car seat. There is nothing wrong with any of these things and yet. let’s not be surprised if we still find ourselves asking: Now what?

The 4 Truths of Creating The Happy Life

I may sound presumptious here, but I have come up with my own 4 basic truths about creating the happy life. Here they are.

Truth #1: It’s happiness, not happeness

Happiness is NOT a quest or a pursuit, or something to conquer or win. It is NOT something to protect from something or somebody else (there are no happiness thieves waiting to snag yours). You don’t have it coming to you. Sorry.

Although the great news is that it is something absolutely obtainable by all of us. EVERYONE.

Most of all, happiness is not something that just happens. There is no happiness without the ‘I’. It’s happ-i-ness not happ-e-ness.

So I like to remind myself of my responsibility in all this happy life stuff by thinking that the ‘I’ stands for inside, internal, interior, inner,

I. I. I. I.

So repeat it with me:

I create happiness and I can only do it from going with-In.

I create happiness and I can only do it from going with-In.

Yes, I create happiness, I create this happy human being and I create the happy life, and this is why the approach of gluing the word just in the middle of our sentences is just wrong.

Creating something takes energy, time, patience, compassion, devotion. And this darling friend, is not easy. Not easy, but doable. WE CAN BE HAPPY or something even better. But before we are, we need to get a few other things straight. So let’s go to the next truth.

Truth #2: Happiness does not fit in a (JUST A) box

“Who would you be if nobody told you who you were? Because no one is just a mom, just a waitress, just a girl, just a yoga teacher. This is the Just “A” Box. The voice that minimizes us and tells us we are just the one thing that life has decided we are.” – Jennier Pastiloff, On Being Human

Ok. There is no prince, princess, horse or castle. There isn’t any membership as a superb human being to the happiness club…

no law that says that if you followed all the “grown-up” steps that you will be granted eternal happiness.

So now that we know this, we can free ourselves from the boxes because there is no happiness inside of them.

Creating happiness requires moving away from the rigidity of believing that you were meant to be only one main thing or that your life has to look the same for a lifetime.

Taking apart the Just “A” Box Excuses

Yeah you spent alot of time and money into your degree and career, so what!

Maybe you have felt like a failure with the same job for over a decade or more. Let it go. You can’t go back, go better!

Sure you have been unhealthy for practically a lifetime, Your lifetime isn’t over yet. Change is possible!

You are not just the good, easy, shy, unlucky, unlovable or overweight person.

You are not just the strong one that supports everyone else’s emotional garbage. Getting out of your box requires you to put down other people’s boxes. Your happiness depends on you being held up too.

Were you taught to believe that a good, dedicated parent puts aside extra goals and interests?

So was I.

Well, here’s a secret: It is not true. These are all just boxes. The best parents are examples of curiosity, passion and energy for their children.

Or maybe your mama loves you, but also tells you that your sister is more productive, that your cousin already found the perfect husband, that her best friend’s husband’s golfing buddy hires only from the top universities.

I ASK: Have any of them discovered the universal, magic potion for happiness? Has your mama? Are they the type of happy you strive for? Are they you?

Stop listening. Stop comparing.

Love your mama, but say, NO THANK YOU. I DO NOT WANT THE BOX.

BUT MY BOX IS REALLY COMFY

Maybe these boxes even felt good in the past. Boxes can feel safe and cozy with the perfect temperature, lighting, and a few colorful pillows.

But here is a reminder for you: We are meant to change, and comfortable and familiar can never be best for us forever.

I know you know this. I do too. But we forget. Why? Fear is kryptonite. It makes us believe that boxes are better.

So repeat this: I do not belong in a box. Ever.

GETTING OUT OF MY BOX – A PERSONAL STORY

If years ago, I defined myself as just someone who had to follow a law career and live in one type of box because I went to law school, passed the New York bar exam and was in crazy debt, I would have never been able to drop everything and upturn my entire existence.
I probably would have never given the man I am with for the past almost 28 years a chance, moved to Italy, opened and closed several businesses, had the joy of working as a personal trainer, given birth to both of my daughters in Costa Rica, homeschooled them, created a semi-Nomad lifestyle, become a health and detox expert, been open enough to continue reinventing and redefining myself even now as I type.
The blog.
The YouTube channel.
@inspiredwithdanni is here because I am constantly reminding myself to tear apart the boxes.
I am 53. Life is too short.
I refuse to be ashamed of making wrong choices knowing deep down that every choice has been valuable. Refuse to be afraid of failing (I have already survived so many) or making a fool of myself (this too. I am still here). I do not want to fit in a box!

Both Humans and dreamS COME ALIVE when removed from the BOX

Pull out the BIG girl or guy courage to change. Get yourself out of the box. Knock it down and everyone getting in your way by telling you that you are crazy or you are risking everything or it can’t be done.

Boxes are for dead people.

Literally, but even here a part of me believes that we fly freer afterwards when we learn how to fly free here on Earth.

If you are happy with your place, if you feel fulfilled in your space… Great! But, if something inside is tingling, stinging, shifting… LISTEN!

More BOXES – BOXES OF DESIRE

When I was in my early 20’s, almost every girl I knew dreamed of one day receiving the little, blue box with the white satin ribbon – aka The Tiffany Blue Box – with something very sparkly on the inside. I didn’t.

Something inside of me was already telling me that the desire for boxes was not the way to my happily-ever-after.

STORYTIME

There is a guy walking down an old path and after several minutes he comes to an intersection and he sees a begger sitting on a big, wooden box. The beggar stops the guy and asks him if he has any money to spare.

The guy says, ‘No, I don’t have any money, but I have a question for you: What is inside the box that you are sitting on?‘

The beggar says, ‘Oh there is nothing inside the box.’
The guy says, ‘Well, did you look inside the box?‘
The beggar says, ‘No, but I know there is nothing inside of it.‘
And the guy says, ‘Well, why not look. You have nothing to lose.‘

So reluctantly the beggar breaks open the box and looks inside, and to his delight it was filled with gold.

So the moral here is that there is a gold that exists inside of each one of us and that we need to remember this.
Gold of health. Gold of goodness. Gold of happiness.

Because so often we look for happiness in physical, materialistic things.

But you know when you get that new car, that new job, that new promotion at work, that new piece of clothing or jewelry that you wanted for so long, very soon after you get it, you WANT MORE. And the desires never stop.

Because the happiness you seek can NEVER be found outside of you. It can only be found within. That is the gold that you are sitting on.

And the tragic thing is that so many people live their entire lives without ever breaking open the box. (adapted from Travis Eliot, founder of IDTV)

Truth #3: You gotta know what makes you happy

I won’t be happy until… I can’t be happy if… It is impossible to be happy because... I just want to be happy with him/her/here.

Baloney. Someone else feels full with much less than you have. In terrible – horrific situations even.

The happy life only exists without the conditions.

Won’t, can’t, impossible, until, if, just. ALL BOXES.

What have you always thought that you need to be happy? Security, Control, Easy, Adventure. Noise. Peace. SUCCESS. Yes, definitely success. Success leads to happiness.

STOP.

First, let go of the idea that you need something or someone to fill and fulfill you. It may fill the box, but it will NEVER fill a human being.

Also remember you cannot mold a situation, person or place for always. Always does not exist. Ever. Impermanence is the only certainty and this is why depending on the unattainable idea of forever only leads to our unhappiness.

So ask yourself: What is happiness for me?

You may be tempted to say: the education, the degree, the job title, the ring, the white dress and the photo of you (or your spouse) in the dress perfectly hung alongside other perfect photos on some eggshell colored wall… the kids,

But, omg! Don’t you realize that it just starts all over again. Our kids education, their degree, a job title….

Things that label us, things that demonstrate worth, things that make us feel less small, but actually make us smaller than we are.

BOXES. We squeeze ourselves into them. Can you see it now?

SO INSTEAD ASK YOURSELF: What does success feel like for me right now? What matters most, REALLY?

If you got it, once again, GREAT! But, if you don’t…

Peek outside. What do you hear and see? How does it feel? Go back to the I.

What do I need? Do you know? Put on your full-being birthday suit and get to know yourself… feel your way.

To know it takes stripping yourself of all the conditioning, comparing, expectations, shame, blame, regret and fear of judgment and a heck of alot of other stuff. In the raw, darling friend. This is the state of possibility.

Does it feel scary? Do you feel exposed? Sure you do. You are buck naked! But observe some more. Does this also feel more alive? This is happiness or rather…

Truth #4 If you want the happy life, cultivate joy instead

So is there a difference between being happy and being joyful? Well, I suppose it depends on what each of these words invoke inside of you.

From what I have experienced, happy relies mostly on the external. An experience, a result, a response, an object. It may be created by you, but it is not controlled by you.

Happiness goes away once this external factor is no longer present. This is why we cling with dear life. It feels as if it can be easily stripped away at any moment.

This is the irony about happiness. Once we believe to have achieved it, we spend the rest of the time worrying about losing it and this makes us unhappy.

On the other hand, joyful always feels full because it is a meaniningful choice to see beyond the expectations, conditions, the chaos, and the fear.

So for me, the I in happiness is our inner voice telling us to choose something lasting. It tells us that for the happy life, we should choose joy instead.

Cultivating joy takes time, patience, practice and devotion, but unlike happiness, joy sticks.

Why? Because joy doesn’t have to arrive from any place or go anywhere. Joy is a warm light from within that expands with time.

It is your breath, your feeling heart, the sun on your face, the air through your hair, a hand in your hand and the shoulder to rest or cry on. It is knowing that the birds are singing just for you. Just for you!

Joy fills, adds, spreads. It is not something you need to protect. It just is.

The kind of happiness that’s lasting is an inner joy and peace, which endures in any circumstance no matter what comes our way. It may even grow stronger in adversity.

– Rev. Billy Graham

Bonus truth – Joy isn’t perfect

The biggest truth is that even when we make the right choices for our lives, even when we escape as many boxes as possible, even when we practice cultivating joy every day, we will still feel unhappy sometimes. We will still experience negative sensations and emotions.

Maintaing joy 24/7 is unrealistic. And making this our goal, does not promote joy.

Feeling joyful gets easier with consistent practice. However. this won’t prevent you from feeling alone and crying on the bathroom floor or while searching for the peanut butter, cookie dough ice cream in the back of the freezer.

You are still going to find yourself feeling lonely, misunderstood and unhappy sometimes. Joy is not perfection. Joy is the acceptance of imperfection.

living without what if’s.

With joy we can live a complete life which is about learning to stop asking yourself would I have been happier if I had made the other choice.

Stayed, left, took, gave, opened, closed, accepted, rejected, spoke, remained quiet.

Would my life have been happier with him, in that job, at that place, in this box or that? You just cannot know. None of us can.

AND NOBODY CAN HAVE IT ALL. When we make decisions for something, we are also making a decision to do without something else. It is ok.

We cultivate joy because joy allows us to feel ok about the unknown. The kryptonite has less and less of a power over us. This feels free. Not always happy, but free.

Happiness makes us grasp. It brings out the worst in us because it feeds on our fear of the past, present and future.

Joy is you releasing yourself into the basic human needs – the need to feel connected and whole. They are truly inside of you. Always and forever.

Final note

So I am not always happy. I cry and I scream. I fight with my husband and my daughters. Some days I am overwhelmed by just feeling so responsible for the well-being of so many other people other than myself. Joy makes these moments make sense.

Even when I am thick in the experience of doubt, fear, anger or lonliness, I feel full because all these emotions are part of a full life and this is what I practice towards every day. The joy-full life is the happy life.

A (true) BEDTIME story

I didn’t sleep very well last night. A mouse ran over my head while I was in bed. REALLY!

Not being a princess, you can imagine how I felt about this. 😭😳🤮😵🙈

via GIPHY

This morning, I woke up exhausted and with thoughts about the mouse in my house (which is a caravan) scurrying around in my head.

Not so long ago, I would have said to myself, I won’t feel happy or peaceful until...

But, when I walked outside and saw new day sunlight breaking through the clouds as fresh drops of rain touched my already overheated skin, I remembered that I still had joy inside. This joy included my being able to remain calm about an unpleasant experience. I was ok. More than ok.

Joy. It was there. Supporting me. I can depend on this.

And when you learn to return to this feeling in your heart, you just know that authentic smiles are not only for the innocent and that happily-ever-after does exist afterall.

To help you continue on this path of breaking out of your boxes and cultivating joy, check out the reading list in the post, Personal Growth Reading + 6 of the Best Books to Love Better, Feel More & Live Fully.

You may also love HOW TO UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU MUST REDEFINE YOUR LIFE.

Disclosure

This post contains affiliate marketing. This means that when you purchase a product through the link provided, I will receive a small commission with no extra cost to you. This is a small way that you can thank me for my writing. I really appreciate your support. If you want to purchase the book On Being Human click on the title.