Yesterday, for the first time after 2 years of practicing something, I got it. What I got I will get to later on (suspence!), but to introduce today’s conversation let me say this. If I would have let any of the things that I am going to mention get in my way, I would have never arrived. I would have added this too to the pile of uncompleted goals, felt like a failure, and reinforced the inner voice that so often tells me that I am incapable and not enough. This would have once again been me self-sabotaging.
This is what we do way too often. We trust the horrible stories our mind tells us. And this is so brutal because whatever we desire, big or small, needs to be believed in and gone after with 200% effort.
These stories strip us of the oomph we have to offer, and instead lead us to obsess over the difficulty, imperfections, and all the things that could wrong. They cause us to self-sabotage our best self.
So how do we switch this around? IT’S ALL ABOUT THE MINDSET!
Empowering mindsets help us to manage the stories and beliefs that get in the way of us owning our full potential.
It’s not easy to transform your mind’s debilitating chatter, but AWARENESS is the first step. SO LET’S GET AWARE. Here we go…
End The Self-Sabotaging – 7 Mindsets Makeovers to light up your best self
#1: Perfectionism Mindset
If it is worth doing, it is worth doing half-assed.
– lauren eckstrom, co-founder IDTV
So often we freeze in this idea of perfectionism that we never move forward. Projects never started, unrealized, left unfinished or abandoned because of the need to make it perfect. It sounds like this: I am not ready. We are not ready. It is not ready.
Pure self-sabotaging. When is it ever the right time? When do we ever arrive at perfect? Never. This is a story, an excuse, and an impossible to achieve mindset.
Perfection does not exist anywhere except in our minds because what is perfect for you is…
- a product of conditioning.
- not necessarily beneficial.
- a huge excuse for excuses.
- an unhealthy attempt to control the uncontrollable.
- not about you because it is usually sought after with the goal of appearing perfect to others.
- never going to be perfect for everyone.
When we push past this ‘gotta show a perfect me‘ conditioning we find our acceptance and strength, and with this we move towards a better place and a better us ALWAYS.
So trade in this self-sabotaging, Perfectionism Mindset for the mindset of gratitude and best effort. Abundance is waiting for you here.
The Best Effort Mindset Practice
ASK YOURSELF: Can I concentrate on my best effort and feel proud without the perfect outcome?
The mindset: With practice I may get there, and if I don’t I know that even imperfect stuff is valuable for my growth on so many levels and it will surely be of value for others as well.
GO-TO PERSONAL MANTRA:
DONE IS BETTER THAN PERFECT
#2: Limiting Beliefs Mindset
In the post, How to Reset Your Mind & Love Yourself, I wrote: We are conditioned by practically everything around us. Our competitive, overachiever lifestyles scream: You will never be enough!
So before I go any further, repeat this: I risolve to love myself completely as I am right now.
THE CONDITIONING GOES DEEP.
Practically from the moment that we are born we are fed these limiting beliefs about ourselves and our lives. What we need to feel fulfilled, ideas about success, how we must appear, all the ways we are not enough.
This Limiting Beliefs Mindset sabotages everything we do. It leads to one excuse after another and us saying NO to life.
- I am not worthy.
- I do not deserve to be happy.
- I am unlovable.
- I deserve to be alone.
- I am too stupid, ugly, fat, skinny, broke, clumsy, lazy…
- I am a bad mom, dad, husband, wife, child….
- I am not talented enough.
- He/she/they are luckier than I am.
- I will never feel successful or fulfilled.
These are all examples of what I refer to as mind vomit. Words like these are the aftereffects of our queasiness.
Self-acceptance is a hard-to-die, daily challenge, but it is necessary if we want to end the self-sabotage and live the life we truly deserve.
Water the limit and the limit shall grow. Stretch the mind and the mind will take you to unimaginable places.
The Self-Acceptance Mindset Practice:
ASK YOURSELF:
- What am I believing about myself and my life?
- Would someone who truly sees the authentic me say that these things are true or false?
- Do I really believe them to be true or false, or have I been conditioned to believe them?
- What can I do to eliminate these limiting beliefs and replace them with more self-accepting, empowering ones?
RESOURCES: Personal Mantras – Read the post: 35 Personal Mantras to Love Yourself & Your Life Right Now + Everything You Need to Know For Your Personal Practice
- Self-Love: I am devoted to loving every crack, rough edge, scar and wrinkle of my imperfect self.
- Potential: I am the gold. I am the divine. This is my true self.
- Empowerment: My self-acceptance conquers habit and limiting beliefs today.
- Stability: Today I am deeply rooted in grace, tenacity and strength.
- Self-Worth: I am worthy of goodness and I transform the sweetness that surrounds me.
- Trust: I have deep trust in my own intuition. It loves me.
- Gratitude: Life is a miracle every day.
#3: Conformity & Comparison Mindset
Our self-worth should never depend on unrealistic expectations and labels of success that someone else sets for us. And it should never depend on comparison.
How often do we let conditioning or looking at other people as a reference get in our way?
The Conformity & Comparison Mindset is fueled by our limiting beliefs (insecurity). It is based on an identity crisis and a fear of releasing our full, authentic selves.
It sounds like: What will they think or say about me?
The Need for Validation
As young children we are conditioned to believe that others know better than we do about our needs, desires, and goals, and about what our life should look like.
At school and in society, we are expected to follow all the rules without questioning, excel in everything without taking into consideration our individuality, stay within the lines, act like the perfect child, which means, the most obedient one. When we don’t there are consequences to pay – the biggest one being big time disapproval.
As a result, we learn to live our lives inside those lines of approval. We compare ourselves with others and we feel the need to compete. We seek praise and love from everyone, even strangers. This reassures us that we are special and belong. It reassures our worth.
However, this constant need for validation allows others to control how we think and act. What we want even. It puts other people in charge of our destiny. In the end, we are always running after something that makes us feel completely out of control.
We are conditioned to believe that other people have amazing lives and we don’t. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? And yet, most of us fall victims to this mindset to some degree.
So how to switch this mindset with something more empowering?
We need to start asking ourselves: Who am I? Because to transfer the control back to your glorious self, YOU MUST KNOW WHO YOUR ARE.
The Know Myself Completely Mindset Practice
This type of self-sabotage is about being untrue to yourself. SO ASK YOURSELF:
- What do I believe will happen if I show the world who I really am?
- Why do I care what other people think and say?
- How come I believe that other people’s lives are better than mine, or maybe that they deserve to live fully and I don’t?
- What is success for me?
- What would I do if I knew that I couldn’t fail?
- Do I know what makes me feel joyful, peaceful and full?
Here is a truth bomb reminder for you: Many of the people we think are so amazing with their amazing lives are afraid too. Sure they seem successful, talented, smart and beautiful.
Fearless, they seem fearless.
But, this is only one side. A partial truth.
There is fear underneath the pretty hair and clothes, inside those fat wallets, hanging alongside those sophisticated degrees and titles.
They can’t be their true selves. They have an image. And along with this image is the fear of losing the image.
Because the only truth here is that once you got it, it is not yours forever. You can lose it. We all can. So by clinging onto this precarious idea of certainty they are practicing a Clinging Mindset.
And fullness only arrives when we switch this to a mindset of Letting Go Before Forced To.
#4: Creating Obstacles Mindset
Fear makes us make bad choices for our life, and although we are not fortune tellers of our destiny, many times the situations we get ourselves into are avoidable.
The Creating Obstacles Mindset is most likely to appear when we are not fully present with our desires and needs. When fear blurs our vision. This is not to say that we should never be spontaneous, but at times thinking slowly about the words we use or the position we place ourselves in, is beneficial.
Like all other aspects of life, we aim to find a balance between flying free without a parachute and keeping the safety belt on in an unmoving vechicle.
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: My family adores pitbulls. When our first rescued pittie, India, passed away we said that we wouldn’t get another dog because it had already caused lots of problems with our semi-nomad lifestyle.
My daughters had been wanting a dog for years. I always reminded them -mostly my husband- that although I too would love another dog, it would make it once again too difficult to travel overseas.
In 2018, during a 6 week trip to Sicily, we caved in and adopted another rescue – not a pocketbook dog that could travel with us – another pitbull.
Why didn’t we take the chihuahua that needed a family? Perhaps we were scared of the choices we were making at the time to move abroad. Maybe my husband and I unconsciously doubted whether or not the girls needed a more rooted lifestyle. Probably both and lots of other things.
This was 100% self-sabotaging. We love Cherry Pie, but once again we are in a position where traveling is challenging. It has caused more indecision and a substantial amount of stress and tension.
The Stop Mindset Practice
When we find ourselves doubting or having difficulty making a decision or dealing with a challenge, we can increase our awareness by using a technique called STOP.
STOP stands for:
- S: Stop
- T: Take a Breath
- O: Observe
- P: Proceed
Awareness supports us. It helps us listen more carefully, think more clearly, and respond more effectively.
We will never be perfect. Remember?
So when we do self-sabatoge in this way, we need to find the best solution to move us forward. Practicing AWARENESS prevents us from falling into the next self-sabotaging mindset -the mindset of REGRET.
#5: Regret Mindset
Regret is a four letter word in disguise. So please say F**k You! (or as I do, a kinder version) and eliminate it from your vocabulary along with the curse words: should, could and would. They will lead you downhill at record speed. They are masters of self-sabotage.
Should is an asshole,
– Jennifer pastiloff, author of the book, On Being Human – Memoir of Waking Up, Living Real and Listening Hard
So you made a mistake, you failed, you screwed up HUGE. So what…
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THIS?
THERE ARE ONLY TWO OPTIONS WHEN YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMETHING NOT GOING AS YOU HOPED IT WOULD:
- You remain in or habitually revisit self-loathing, blame, pity and abuse (a victim, sometimes for a lifetime), and soffocate yourself in regret, or
- You acknowledge it, get curious about it’s origin, learn from it, forgive yourself, grow stronger, and move on.
Reminder: You can never go back, but you can remain stuck in the past forever. There is no future better you in this space.
That’s it. NO MIDDLE PLACE HERE. Again, what are you going to do?
The Move Forward Mindset Practice:
Switch this self-sabotaging Regret Mindest with my personal mantra:
I CANNOT GO BACK, SO I GO BETTER or shorter: Can’t go back, so go better.
It has helped me return to reason on so many occasions.
Repeat it whenever you find yourself using the curse words. Be kind and forgiving with yourself. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and then reground in trust.
#6 Entitlement Mindset
Why is it that some people respond to the challenges they are faced with while other people freeze and shut themselves off in their difficulty?
It has nothing to do with who they are, their level or intelligence or talent, how much they have or don’t have, or where they grew up. I know this because I have met some really poor, unlucky and less formally educated folk that consistently show up feeling blessed and growing stronger.
And I have also met some super privileged and talented people that go around complaining, blaming, comparing and feeling entitled.
Everyone wants to be a beast, unil it’s time to do what beasts do.
– Unknown
Entitlement Mindset is an insecure, self-absorbed trait. People with a sense of entitlement feel like the world and the people around them owe them something even when little or nothing has been done to deserve it.
Entitlement could look like this:
- expecting somebody else to solve one’s problems and make their lives better.
- demanding the kindness of others without giving it out.
- accepting favors and support without a thank you.
- believing success, happiness and other greatness is easy.
- waiting for fulfillment and beauty to magically appear.
When we believe that we do not need to respond to our situations we are self-sabotaging because inside we know that this is not how things work.
Life requires us to be like the professional boxer who refuses to stay down. ROCKY, darling friend. We gotta get up as many times as it takes.
The difference is the showing up.
THE COMMITMENT is the opposite of this Entitlement mindset.
Happiness doesn’t just happen. And either does anything else great in life. – Read more about this in the post, How To Become a Happier Human Being – 4 Truths About Arriving at the Happy Life.
We live in the age of entitlement, as opposed to enlightenment.
– bill baily
The bottom line: DO NOT FEEL ENTITLED TO ANYTHING THAT YOU ARE NOT SWEATING TO MAKE HAPPEN.
The I Can Do It MIndset Practice
Switching from the Entitlement Mindset to the I Can Do It Mindset requires becoming less self-aware because it really has to do with our need to be perfect and our fear of failure.
Much like Perfectionism, Limiting Beliefs and Conformity, we believe all eyes are on us. We care too much about what others will think and say about who we are. Entitlement is just an excuse.
THE ONLY WAY TO BREAK THIS MINDSET IS TO DO IT. Do what scares you like crazy, what sends shivers up your spine, makes you quiver.
Reminder: Confidence is on the other side of action no matter what the outcome.
When you find the courage to do something despite the fear, you feel proud afterwards. And with this pride, you will drop the Entitlement excuses by becoming less self-aware and more self-accepting.
JUST DO IT.
#7 Impatience Mindest
An Impatience Mindset is detrimental to any type of growth because ALL growth takes time.
Impatience mindset is based on:
- a sense of entitlement,
- resistance to difficulty and challenge, and
- an untrained, undisciplined mind
You think you are so wise to know how to skip over the long and grueling. I promise you that you are cheating yourself out of an essential experience to learn, flex, expand and strengthen. The shorter is not better. The more comfortable is not better. We do not grow on easy-peasy terrain.
There are no shortcuts. No hacks. Ever. If they are trying to sell it to you, say, No thank you. I will gladly sweat it out.
Replace it with the Patience is Power Mindset. It sounds something like this: I know that I gotta do the work and I know that the harder it is the brighter I will shine no matter what the outcome.
Time and effort. Effort and time…
- for a healthy mind
- for a strong, flexible body
- for relationships to thrive
- for self-love, respect and confidence.
- to excel in anything
- to live in abundance
- to feel fulfilled
The Patience is Power Mindset Practice:
BUILD YOUR PATIENCE GUIDED MEDITATION
Practice The BUILD YOUR PATIENCE Guided Meditation at least 3 times a week for 3 or more weeks
I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past. – Atticus
Other inspirational quotes:
the problem with patience and discipline is that developing each of them requires both of them – t.m. sterner
endurance is patience concentrated. – Thomas carlyle
Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. – Lao Tzu
All Self-Sabotaging Is Based on Two Things
All the mindests we have discussed are made up of two closely related emotional states: FEAR and DISTRUST.
When we fear something, someone or a situation, we distrust. When we distrust something, someone or a situation we experience fear. The solution: Practice love. Practice acceptance. Practice trust.
Fear
We will talk about fear over and over again because just as love is our dynamite for action, fear is our kryptonite for inaction and sabotage.
Some fear is necessary. It protects us when there is real, immediate danger. However, most of our fears are not real. The proof is that they last long after our perceived danger is over (aka phobia).
This second type of fear is a killa to overcome. So we won’t get into this here.
But for the purposes of knowing the number one source of our sabotaging act, this is it. FEAR. When you self-sabotage you are scared. Remember this.
The Dynamics of Real Fear
REAL FEAR/FLIGHT: Someone is breaking into your home. You are scared. You respond by escaping through the window. You call the police. They catch the criminal.
UNREAL FEAR: You now live in an extremely safe place and are still afraid of a break-in years after your experience.
REAL FEAR/FLIGHT IN NATURE: There is a lion and a gazelle. The gazelle feels threatened by the lion. Fear causes it to move several feet. The lion moves in the opposite direction. Once the lion no longer shows signs of risk, the gazelle no longer experiences fear.
Distrust
Whenever you have difficulty moving forward because of self-sabatoge it is a question of trust. You are unable to move past your past mistakes, failures, and letdowns. And you no longer trust yourself to risk or decide for your life.
Learning to retrust yourself is a practice of letting go of the past and understanding that all experiences are valuable when used for our personal growth instead of against it. We bring our past into the present as postive energy to fuel our journey.
Fear: Half the battle is with our own self, our own insecurities and our own baggage.
– luvvie ajayi jones, author of the books, professional troublemaker . the fear-figher manual, I’m judging you! – the do better manual, Rising Troublemaker -a fear-fighter manual for teens and the children’s book, Little troublemaker makes a mess
Reminder: Whatever happened in the past, you survived it. And you’re here right now, reading these words with the desire to improve your life as a result of everything you experienced.
Practice self-love to reduce self-sabotage. Get past yourself. Trust the process.
End Self-Sabotaging – Learn to Live Life Fully
We read quotes like: Life is short. Live it. Live every day as if it were your last.
And our intentions are good until life gets in the way and we start self-sabotaging ourselves. We take things for granted, get stuck in the past, fall into victim mode, grow impatient and lazy. Exhausted. We get scared and distrust.
So how do we prevent life from passing by? How do we learn to live life to the fullest every day?
The Practice mindest
The Practice Mindset means that we live our life knowing that we will be practicing how to be more fully human and live our one and only life fully for a lifetime.
LIFE IS A LIFETIME PRACTICE AND OUR GOAL IS TO REMEMBER TO PUT THIS INTO PRACTICE.
The Practice Mindest involves:
- knowing how to remain curious about yourself, your life and the world,
- forgiving and refinding trust in ourselves as many times as necessary,
- learning how to live life as a beginner forever,
- understanding the value of undesirable situations,
- showing up for it all, even the shit shows,
- accepting our self-sabotaging as a part of our humanness, and
- reminding ourselves to keep practicing.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Whatever we practice grows.
So if we practice discontentment, anger, fear, impatience, frustration, judgment, complaining, blaming, shaming, grasping and separation – they will grow.
And if we practice love, kindness, compassion, acceptance, inclusivity, curiosity, playfulness, joy, gratitude and connection – they will grow.
We have the choice each day to practice what we want to grow stronger in ourselves and our lives.
– brittany lynne, Yoga teacher
We will never be perfect. We will self-sabotage. But when we switch to a Practice Mindset, we find ourselves getting in the way of ourselves less and less, and life really does become a miraculous training ground for growth.
We are really practicing the art of living life fully, Practicing the idea of once, only once –so I am gonna give it my best shot, remain curious, and enjoy the journey.
LIFE TRANSFORMS FROM SOMETHING WE FEEL THE NEED TO DEFEND OURSELVES FROM INTO SOMETHING WE CAN JOYFULLY EMBRACE.
What I Learned From a Handstand
This week, for the first time after almost 2 years of practice, I held a handstand for 5 seconds.
Some may say, 2 years, too long! But, no. I remember when I was terrified of going upside down.
When the pandemic hit, I told myself, I will not be afraid of this. I can start with this. So I started with practicing headstands, then tripod headstands.
I HAD MANY MOMENTS OF SELF-SABOTAGING. I am too weak, too old, too scared. It takes too much time and effort. It serves no purpose anyway. I SHOULD quit.
But, this week, a handstand. 5 seconds. And today I can say that one fear is gone. At 53.
Is it a big deal? The actual act. Maybe not.
THIS IS WHAT PRACTICING GOING UPSIDE DOWN HAS TAUGHT ME:
- Commitment
- Discipline
- Acceptance
- Patience
- How to believe, fall and get back up
- Not to be attached to the outcome, compare myselves to others, to embrace my 53 year old human qualities
- To have a sense of humor and playfulness
- Greater awareness
- To feel grateful for my body instead of beating up on it for not performing the way that I was asking it to.
- To thank myself for showing up.
These are LESSONS that SERVE US in every aspect of our life.
I feel proud of myself and strong. More than strong. Capable.
Not because of the handstand which may or may not happen again for a while, or ever, but for all that I continue to learn along the way.
The Practice Mindset Practice
ASK YOURSELF:
- How am I practicing today? In this period? In life? What am I focusing on?
- What do I need to practice to become more fully human and embrace all my qualities, even the ones that I like less?
- Can I forgive myself for my mistakes and failures?
- Can I cultivate my beginner’s mind and have the curiosity of a young child?
- Can I view every experience as a learning experience?
- Can I celebrate my challenges, knowing that it is an opportunity to put this practice into action and grow confidence?
- How can I remind myself to approach my life with a Practice Mindset?
The practice, darling friends – the practice is the experience. It is all about the practice.
Final Mindset – Don’t Give Up – Ever.
This is the thing. Even when you think you have screwed it completely, you don’t deserve it, you distrust your instincts, you will be ridiculed – YOU KNOW THAT IT IS NOT THE END.
SO DON’T GIVE UP.
If you think that you aren’t going to make it – don’t give up. You believe it is impossible – don’t give up. If you feel torn apart, on the ground, at your lowest of lows – don’t give up. Ever. This is the reason we keep practicing. Without excuses. With the doubts, the fear, the distrust and the self- sabotaging. We don’t give up.
– Andrea Bizzocchi, italian author and public speaker (my Hubby)
HOW TO USE THIS POST TO REDUCE SELF-SABOTAGING
- Take the time to review each mindset.
- Fully acknowledge which ones you fall victim to.
- Take the time to actually take action to switch them around. You can start with The (alternative) Mindset Practices offered in each section.
- Be consistent.
- Remember that reminders are essential. When you fall off course, come back to this article. Take the time to reread the same messages over and over again. WE NEED TO BE REMINDED!
- See other resources to help you to break past your excuses and inaction and fire up your best self every single day. SUGGESTED READING: –HOW TO UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU MUST REDEFINE YOUR LIFE, HOW TO STOP WAKING UP TIRED – 7 ways to energize your morning routine, PERSONAL GROWTH READING – 6 of the Best Books to Inspire You To Love Better, Feel More & Live Fully, HOW TO RESET YOUR MIND & LOVE YOURSELF – Detox Secrets
My heart reaching out to yours,
Disclosure
This post contains affiliate marketing. This means that when you purchase a product through the link provided, I will receive a small commission with no extra cost to you. This is a small way that you can thank me for my writing. I really appreciate your support. If you want to purchase On Being Human – Memoir of Waking Up, Living Real and Listening Hard by Jen Pastiloff, or Professional Troublemaker . The fear-figher manual, I’m Judging You! – The do better manual, Rising Troublemaker -A fear-fighter manual for teens or Little Troublemaker Makes a Mess by Luvvie Ajayi Jones CLICK ON TITLE.
